| Current mood: |  irritated |
Fear of Abandonment
I'm just thinking more about my last post. I think my discomfort with good-byes is because I have a fear of abandonment. I grew up with a lot of abuse from my mother. Don't hate her from reading this, because she has changed a lot and our relationship is super now. But up until 8th or 9th grade, she was very physically abusive, and even worse when it came to emotional abuse. She used to smack me with whatever she found, like planks of wood, chopsticks (who knows how many she's broken), whatever she could get her hands on at the moment of anger. Starting at the age of 9 or 10, the spankings decreased... prolly cuz she realized me going to school with markings everywhere wasn't very good. But the emotional abuse just got worse. She used to always threaten me to give me up for adoption, or threatened to leave the family. I used to always cry at the thought of loosing her and just felt so guilty for anything I did. She works late, and whenever I hear her car drive up the drive way, my brother and I would get so scared. She would yell at us for anything. She always took her anger out on me and we used to argue all the time. She has this control over my emotions... she can so easily hurt me. She seems to just always know what to say to hurt me.
Even till this day she has that control over my emotions. Recently, I went home for the weekend. My grandma sleeps on my bed on the weekends. I walked into my room and it smelled like grandma. I go into the kitchen and jokingly mention how the room smells. She suddenly snaps and starts yelling at me. She loves saying how useless I am, and just make me feel soooo small. I raised my voice and said, "geesh... what are you talking about?" and she gets even more mad at me for raising my voice. I just got so upset I ran into her room (since my room wasn't available) and slammed the door, and just threw myself on my parent's bed. I was just balling. My dad eventually walks in and finds me crying. He was so frantic. He's always been the one to comfort me from my mom. He just asked why was I crying, and I just cried harder. He asked me if it was my mom's doing, and I just nodded with a teary face. It was cute... he just wipped my tears and told me everything will be okay. He used to just hug me and hold me tight when I ran to him in attempt to get away from my mom's spankings. I used to cry and hurt so much my whole body would shake.
I see a lot of connections to my dreams. Fear of my dad not there to protect me, fear of my parents leaving me, etc. But I think that's why I have such issues with good-byes now. I immediately think I did something wrong and being punished. Anytime friends reject me, like not wanna hang out, I subconsciuosly feel guilt. I start to think of all the things I did wrong and try to figure out why they're mad at me. I never realized this till now. I never noticed why I get sad when people leave or why I take it so personally when people can't hang out. Even though I know it's nothing, I always felt sad. Just recently (last week) when Jonathan wanted to leave in the middle of the night did I realize why I get sad. I feel like I did something wrong and he doesn't wanna see me now. I know I'll see him again, but it's not the issue of seeing him again or not that saddens me, it's the thought that I upset him and he needs to take a breather. Wow... so much realizations... too bad it's right before finals!
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pudgeefeet) wrote,
