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random ramblings

13th March, 2002. 4:16 pm. so gloomy lately...

I've just been feeling so down lately. I cry so easily these past couple days. I'm listening to my MP3s, which I haven't listened to since school ended last year. It makes me so sad... just brings me to different times, I guess. Times when graduation wasn't so close. Times when dreams were still possible. I used to believe I could be anything I wanted to, but the list of possibilities diminishes with time. It sucks facing reality! It used to be, "I wanna be an actress, no... a singer, ...a doctor... an interior decorator... ah, no worries, I have time still." But it's not like that anymore. I feel like it's time to really choose a path. If I don't, then when I graduate, I won't be able to get into any field. But if I pick the wrong field, it's not so easy to switch fields. I can't just drop everything I'm doing to go back to school or to start out compeletly from scratch in a new field, especially because I'll need to be bringing in an income for myself. How depressing...

I went to pick up Jonathan this morning and we headed out to Bergamot Station. It's this warehouse-ish place that has like over 30 art galleries. It's in Santa Monica. It was such a cool place! We took pictures, so I'll post them later. But afterwards, I dropped off Jonathan and headed back to Irvine. I don't know why, but I was just so sad. These past couple days, I tear everytime we part. I think it's just a combination stress and my need for consistency. I don't like constant good-byes. Many times, I find myself saying that I'd rather have him not here at all than for him to keep coming and going. But do I really want that?! I don't think so... but just everytime we have to say good-bye, I feel like it would've just been better to not have seen him. I know I don't mean that, but good-byes are really hard for me.

Another sad thing I've been thinking about is how Jonathan's starting at MetLife soon. He's already got all his licenses... he's starting to sell now. I understand there's so much to learn on his part. I put myself in his shoes and see how I would need to do so much research and come up with a plan on getting clients. Of course, this is how I would handle it and I hope he's different, but it's prolly somewhat close. I would get really absorbed into my new job. I want it to work out! I would be spending a lot of time at the office. I'm very much an extremeist and it's all or nothing for me. So when I do something, I go all out or I'm not into it at all. So I would really try to get into the flow of things and figure out my role and MetLife... my role as a sales person, my role as a co-worker, etc. Then, I know that my SO would get neglected. I want him to do well. I want him to do what he needs to do. I want him to be happy. It makes me sad cuz I think about those women who have men that are way into their jobs and are never around. But I've been thinking about it for the past couple days and decided to just expect distance. I don't like being hurt or dissapointed, so I don't want to see him much anymore. I don't like good-byes. He can do his thing and I can get back into the things I used to do. I'm afraid to get into the things I used to because I know that I'm an extremeist. I don't like change. I don't like to switch from "uci mode" to "bf mode". I can't do that... it's stressful for me (I used to do that). It will take a toll on one end or the other. I don't know what I want to do... ideally, I'll find a good balance, but I know it's not me. I like to get really involved with things, so if Jonathan's never around, I'll get really into other things, and get used to him not being around. AH! maybe I'm just stressing myself out. When I get into "non jonathan mode", I feel such a sense of independence, and it bums me out when I see him again. It's not as bad as it sounds... what I mean is that to get into "non jonathan mode", it takes A LOT of energy... mental, emotional, etc. so when I see him again, all that energy I spent just goes to waste cuz I fall right back into "bf mode". What I need to learn to do is be a non-single independent. I tend to equate independence with single. It's not that I'm not independent... I'm very well able to be indepent, only thing is that I become totally independent... "I don't need anyone!" Or I become totally dependent of Jonathan... like assuming he'll always be here. This sucks... if you're still reading, thanks for listening to me vent. I figured out a little more about that way I think. I'm an extrovert, so venting helps me process. Thanks again for listening. =P

Current mood: depressed.

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13th March, 2002. 8:31 pm. Fear of Abandonment

I'm just thinking more about my last post. I think my discomfort with good-byes is because I have a fear of abandonment. I grew up with a lot of abuse from my mother. Don't hate her from reading this, because she has changed a lot and our relationship is super now. But up until 8th or 9th grade, she was very physically abusive, and even worse when it came to emotional abuse. She used to smack me with whatever she found, like planks of wood, chopsticks (who knows how many she's broken), whatever she could get her hands on at the moment of anger. Starting at the age of 9 or 10, the spankings decreased... prolly cuz she realized me going to school with markings everywhere wasn't very good. But the emotional abuse just got worse. She used to always threaten me to give me up for adoption, or threatened to leave the family. I used to always cry at the thought of loosing her and just felt so guilty for anything I did. She works late, and whenever I hear her car drive up the drive way, my brother and I would get so scared. She would yell at us for anything. She always took her anger out on me and we used to argue all the time. She has this control over my emotions... she can so easily hurt me. She seems to just always know what to say to hurt me.

Even till this day she has that control over my emotions. Recently, I went home for the weekend. My grandma sleeps on my bed on the weekends. I walked into my room and it smelled like grandma. I go into the kitchen and jokingly mention how the room smells. She suddenly snaps and starts yelling at me. She loves saying how useless I am, and just make me feel soooo small. I raised my voice and said, "geesh... what are you talking about?" and she gets even more mad at me for raising my voice. I just got so upset I ran into her room (since my room wasn't available) and slammed the door, and just threw myself on my parent's bed. I was just balling. My dad eventually walks in and finds me crying. He was so frantic. He's always been the one to comfort me from my mom. He just asked why was I crying, and I just cried harder. He asked me if it was my mom's doing, and I just nodded with a teary face. It was cute... he just wipped my tears and told me everything will be okay. He used to just hug me and hold me tight when I ran to him in attempt to get away from my mom's spankings. I used to cry and hurt so much my whole body would shake.

I see a lot of connections to my dreams. Fear of my dad not there to protect me, fear of my parents leaving me, etc. But I think that's why I have such issues with good-byes now. I immediately think I did something wrong and being punished. Anytime friends reject me, like not wanna hang out, I subconsciuosly feel guilt. I start to think of all the things I did wrong and try to figure out why they're mad at me. I never realized this till now. I never noticed why I get sad when people leave or why I take it so personally when people can't hang out. Even though I know it's nothing, I always felt sad. Just recently (last week) when Jonathan wanted to leave in the middle of the night did I realize why I get sad. I feel like I did something wrong and he doesn't wanna see me now. I know I'll see him again, but it's not the issue of seeing him again or not that saddens me, it's the thought that I upset him and he needs to take a breather. Wow... so much realizations... too bad it's right before finals!

Current mood: irritated.

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13th March, 2002. 10:54 pm. Florida's ban on gays adopting children

For those who don't know, the ACLU is currently fighting the ban on gays adopting children in Florida. You can send an e-mail to show your disapproval at www.lethimstay.com. It's really easy because they already have an e-mail written out. You just have to fill in the blank with your name.

Current mood: chipper.

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