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random ramblings

6th March, 2002. 12:01 pm. it's set!

Yay! So Jonathan reserved (I don't know which word to use) the EFX tickets today! YAY! We're gonna get a room at Bellagio, Bellagio buffet, and EFX tix for free! You know what that means... more money to spend on other things... like gambling!... just kidding, I don't really gamble, but that just seemed like the thing to say. I meant... shopping! ...or just not spend on shopping and save up, and just enjoy Vegas for free! I can't wait. What a motivation to get through with this quarter!

Oh yeah, I put a new poll up on my website. Take my poll! It's a fun one this time. Not weird like that last, and not ...kinky?... like the one before, just fun!

Welcome HappyPepper to Live Journal! Visit her and say hi! She's still working on it, so check back regularly to see the updates! She's done such a good job creating her new website... congrats HappyPepper on your new site!

I was on duty last night (which I'm on duty again today too), but it was cool cuz Ali and Ravi stopped by to visit. Ali is the former HA of FIJI, and Ravi is still a current HA, but he's a fellow returner. We were just reminiscing on last years staff. Of the three years I've been HA, last year was definantly the best staff! We bonded so much... at our first retreat during training, we stayed up all night playing truth or dare... or one of those "kid's sleepover" games. It was just fun cuz we all got comfortable so quickly and shared way too much about each other. hee hee... it was really cool though cuz it really brought us close together. Ravi and I were hoping to create the same unity in this years group, but realized during retreat that the group's dynamics is just way different. It's cool though. It's still a good staff, not like my first year, but just lacks the fun... well, different kind of fun. I also really miss my old supervisor Becky. She was crazy! Last year, there was a whole different relationship between pro-staff and student-staff. We'd used to go drinking together, I didn't drink, of course, but Becky and I were really close. I literally told her EVERYTHING! That's why she's so special to me cuz she really saw me grew through the years. She was there when I first met Jonathan. She didn't believe me when I said he was the one and that I am a new person after winter break. I suddenly found motivation again.

...Which reminds me, (**this will be long and personal, so read at your own risk! ...don't say I didn't warn you...**)last night Jonathan and I were talking, and I started to think of my past. He helped me realize something that I've denied forever. I experienced something really bad during my childhood, like from age one or two to age 7? Something like that. Anyway, so I just kind of blocked it out and moved on. I never did well in school... got in trouble a lot. Finally, in fifth grade, my teacher was able to build my confidence and I became straight A, or close, student from that point on. I came to UCI and kicked ass my first year here. I was on Dean's List all quarters and just very motivated and very much loved Physics. Then something happened to me the end of freshman year, similar to my childhood, and it suddenly brought everything I had suppressed rushing back. I spent that whole summer trying to "get over it" so I can move on and start my new year. It was tough... I didn't see this then, actually I didn't see this till last night, but what had happened to me DID effect me. I wish I had realized this, but those experiences COMPLETELY changed my attitude. I was so self-destructive. I wish I had recognized what was going on so I wouldn't have done so many regretful things. I really had no self-respect during that time and didn't care about how the decisions I made would effect me. I look back and get so frustrated thinking about it. Last night, I just wanted to kick and scream.

As a child, I so wanted counseling... I so needed it. But I guess no one ever suspected anything, since I wasn't doing so bad in school or had behavioral problems... well, not after 5th grade at least. But I was crying for help. My previous supervisor offered to take me to the counseing office, but I didn't want to give it a try cuz I said it'd be a waste of time and wouldn't be of any help cuz what happened happened... nothing can be done now. But I do need to deal with it. Although I feel like, and keep telling myself that I do understand how it has effected me, I'm sure there's a lot more to be uncovered. I knew that my experience was a big factor in why I was so self destructive in some incidences, but not others. This is just a constant battle for me. I'm constantly analyzing myself and my experience. One main reason is cuz I want to figure these things out so I can be a good parent... it's never too early to start preparing.

I lost my train of thought. In the middle of discussing my stuff, I started to do other things and got distracted. Now I'm talking to Lynn about our childhood traumas. So I'm all into thinking about parenting now. But I worry about not being a good parent. I would be afraid for my babies cuz there are some REALLY messed up people out there! And I want to protect my babies from experiencing what I did, but I don't want to become overbearing. So I'm thinking of tatics so I can keep them safe without holding them back from trusting and exploring. And how do go about it so if something does go wrong, they'll feel safe to tell me, not like how I had to hold it in for years. OK... I'm gonna stop before I write a book! hee hee...

Current mood: contemplative.

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6th March, 2002. 9:25 pm. ah!

I modified the look of my "feet book" (guestbook), so it looks really cute now. Too bad it doesn't work anymore! I thought all I played around with was background and font colors, but it's not working! ...at least it looks pretty...? It looks just fine, just doesn't post new messages up. Jonathan is trying to figure out what I did wrong now, so hopefully, by the time you're reading this, it'll be fixed and you can Sign My FeetBook! Thank you Jonathan for fixing it for me!

My joints hurt right now... When it gets cold, my joints hurt, so it's really hard for me to type right now cuz all the joints in my fingers hurt! ...I hope it's not arthritis! Oh well... I'm on duty AGAIN tonight, so I'll be going on rounds soon. Besides, I need to stop typing and give my joints some rest!

Current mood: frustrated.

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